I talked to life coach, tried to be better than everyone around me in everything, tried to look good, tried to talked to peoples I thought might have figured out, searched happiness in pleasures, listened to the videos of enlighten ones ( so did I thought ), read books on phycology and life, spent a year travelling. collide with Buddhism, meditated, met with people like me, met with people different than me. lived in solitude.

what did it all taught me?
all this was nothing but the opinions of other person, just like me. some were signpost and other were peoples projection of their own problem. it did helped me to intellectually understand the world and build some faiths in different lights but didn’t make me fulfilled a dime more.

the most sensible of it all seems to be Buddhist perspective of life. maybe not all of it but it does click to me instantly, I spent few months to go...

if there is one topic that haunted me before and bothers me now than it has to be this one. but the more I understand myself and world around me. it starts to make a bit more sense to me.

love
the major point on the matrix of marriage, you got to be in love with the person who you are going to married. and what is love anyway ? ohh it’s that awesome feeling, it’s when you put yourself after your partner, it’s when other person completes you !, it’s that romantic belief that there is only one special person out there. bullshit

than what is not love ? it has to be when you are not having that awesome feeling. it has to be when you put yourself first…

and when you say ohh it’s that awesome feeling, do you feel awesome all the time ? no !, and do you know why you are feeling good ?, and what if you stop feeling good. it is very much possible to happen if you don’t really know why you...

work is an expression of a person, his values, and his character, and I believe these are the things that constitute great work.

purpose
the bigger picture of what exactly I am trying to accomplish should always be clear. it can be evolved over the time and change entirely with experiences. but a clear concise purpose must be there at every point. it shows choice which helps to leave nonessential on the table.

purpose don’t need to be always full of compassion and sacrifice. infect i would argue it should not be compassionate until you have cultivated enough compassion inside yourself.

play
as the idea of purpose is one thing but the expression is something else. it is different dynamics altogether. understand the rules of it. make it a game, attain the flow, dance it through. what’s the point of dragging yourself through life. there is nothing that worth not enjoying life.

comm...

the second spiritual practice I would like to integrate in my life is mindfulness. live moment by moment. it is utterly useless to spend energy all the day on obsessive thinking about past and future. this is fundamentally different way of living.

this is the foundational practice, if I am my consciousness this is the practice to be me. I would like to deepen this practice at my very core.

over the years I have accumulated crazy stupid mental images of how the world is based on my culture, media, fear, attachments and whatnot. these false images creates all the responses from within and playing the role of shadow intuition in me. being able to see the world as it is without too much intervention of mind seems to me a fundamental spiritual practice. it is the recovery of the basic sickness. it is like claiming myself from my mind.

so this the the first spiritual practice I want to include in my life.

what creates this mirage. attachment and aversion. for this month I would be meditating upon these 2 concept everyday for an hour before sleeping. I can pick an object from daily life or use general object that i know i averse or feel attached.

I would also also like to deepen this concept of everyone is in it together, trying to live a happy life.

I want to deepen this...

an year I travel, fundamentally searching for clarity in my life. searching for those core values on which I could base and build my life, did I find it? am I in the place where I am focused on only one thing and nothing else mattered? the answer in NO. but I guess I understood the place from where these questions were coming. maybe I learnt the right questions.

going back an year. I was dissatisfied. and every inch of my action was proving it. I did not understand why I was angry biter and clueless all the time. why I was beating myself up for that thing, I should have said right. why I was so envious and completing all the time. why I was so judgemental and hungry for people’s attentions. why all the time, all I want from other people is to make me happy. why I could not choose to leave anything. and what’s with that constant presentation in my mind.

did you see the pattern ?

it...

I feel like I am kind of done with travelling. it has taught me a lot. and I don’t feel excited about it anymore. current trip to hyderabad lasted 1 day and there was no spirit. I walked city like zombie, mechanical and purposeless.

I would not say, I am done with my spiritual voyage. but I am really not that disturbed and clueless. I feel like i learnt enough to move beyond rudimentary mental traps.

in coming week I will conclude it in much better perspective. but at the moment I am writing this post I feel strong gravitation towards getting a good job in international team, and starting business in educational space.

right now I am at the place where I have no strong desire to move in a certain direction. and I am completely ok with it and not freaking out at all. yet I have some subtle aspirations.

most intense aspiration seems to grow spiritually ( or understand mind ). and that explain a lot of inclination towards buddhism.

the second aspiration seems to get good in programming. it feels like I’ve gain enough knowledge to open a new window and I am kind of excited to play with it and know more about it.

another aspiration seems to be exploring a domain like education system. on the craft level I am quite interested in it. and maybe someday building a business out of it.

I am also getting some opportunities to work internationally. and it seems pretty interesting too.

so I am moving to hyderabad now. and I have to make a choice about what I want to do next. some ruff plan. and very much...

the priority is to build that creative space. but not like putting together humpty dumpty. but more in a manner of solid concrete base to step upon and explore. at the same time being pragmatic.

from learning perspective. I would love to get better enough in algorithm and server side development.

another angle is marketing. which I need to focus upon. and searching for contract and may be generating passive income streams.

the second thing to take in account is family and health.

and the last thing which I am not sure how to is take, is working toward finding and building a strong relationship. although it would be much more approachable subject once I start earning.

a clear common theme across all my post is lately regarding solving finance. and the way to solve it is by using my software development skill.

but in honesty it is more than solving finances. because if that were the only reason I would have solve it months ago. programming is more than just a job for me I’ve always been drawn to the craft of it as well.

I don’t like the idea of working on something either I just can’t do or way to easy to do, so I can earn money and explore other stuff. doesn’t make much sense. instead I would like to step on a strong ground of software developer skillset and organically explore, build on top of it. living life along the way. doing exploring without this seems a premature desire and unnecessary suffering.

the other end of spectrum is taking refuge in it. making it a reason to not do anything else. atleast at this point in my life the goal is...