I wanna leave behind all the past. really all the social contact, all the belief, all my pride, worry, achievement and everything. start over and start putting everything with careful thoughts. it’s like emptying the whole closet and starting over. everything that is inside has to prove it’s worth. ofcourse some of the old thing will be there. but by default everything is out.

the foundation has to be rebuilt. i need to own the thoughts i put in my life. I need to own the rituals i want to integrate in my life.

no matter how hard it is. I would not entertain anything that is not in the closet. and if it wants to make it closest, it needs to prove it’s worth.

so the obvious first task is, how to clean my slate and what are things from past that deserve to be in.

I am at auroville, not really sure where I wanna go. what I want to do after this. neither depressed nor inspired.

the most important thing seems to be self knowledge. and the most immediate problem seems to be finance.

in these 4- 5 days, mainly I’ve to figure out where to go from here.

travel is great thing. but traveling is not the goal. infect for that matter pain or pleasure both are not the goal either. the goal is to know how to live a life worth living. the goal is to be extremely comfortable in my own skin. the goal is to get incredible clarity on my actions.

certainty has a strong gravitation and refuge is becoming a constant enemy.

social appraisal and temporary indulgence is causing very dissatisfactory hippocratic behaviour.

some part of me believe strongly that I am on the right path.

the expectation of relationship and marriage bothers me.

so called friends...

i feel strongly now that there is a prerequisite to live a good life. we need to remove things that comes into the way. talk about easy said than done.

and for me the one of those things is doing things to just show-off. before I talk about why I want to stay away from it. lets dive into the reason why it is there in first place.

it feels good

the major problem is it really feels pleasurable. and the reason seems more of a biological than personal. almost everyone I know ( who is unsatisfactory ) seems to somewhat stuck in this trap. and man does society and people take advantage of it !.

if I think about analogy it seems like that pill or drug which is just soothing out current situation ( by forgetting it ) and under the hood, creating a ton of the new problem. you can think of the need to do it over and over with high frequency.

biologically it seems like serving the needs of...

so there was this analogy that seth godin used in one of his video.

resistance is like an injection. it is easy to pull lever in the beginning and gets hard and hard as it comes to the end until “pop”, it’s out.

and man, was he right. so I finally completed something that was in my mind few months back. a troubling thought that is wandering in my mind is, did I took refuge in it. a simple retrospection is indeed required.

a soothing and refreshing feeling and a very thin and sharp emotion is what i am feeling right now. a joy of celebration and fear of uncertainly. the hybrid is somewhat inspiring.

but nonetheless this was this was an amazing experience all together. something I am very proud of.

what next !

I am moving to auroville in pondicherry for a week.

I am having hard time to complete what I started ~5 months ago. I thought of doing certain learning before I would start freelancing again. I don’t have much doubt in a way I am doing things thats how I do stuffs. to be honest there were some challenging ( technically ) problems I faced but I didn’t actually stuck anywhere. infect in general I maintain a very good attitude of “struggle is progress”.

but now when I am above 95% of goal. things are a bit harder, simpler problems seems much harder. frequently in panic. haven’t done meditation and exercise in last 3 days ( very unusual ). it seems like resistance is much more powerful now.

but why ?

I guess it kind of happens all the time but to be honest this is the first time i am looking into it more curiously. it seems like a natural force it is hard to penetrate in the last. this is why so many people just give up. hard doesn’t...

there are times when I enjoy what I do. and than there are times when I hate the same things. and the major governing factor seems to be confusion.

when I am not really sure what I am doing. in my job or plain life. time seems very hard. I just want to get away from the current situations. when I understand how things are working it becomes more of a play.

so in general when i feel bad or not enjoying my job. the first question should always be am I confused about something? or am I using hit and trial method to solve a problem? if the answer is yes. i should stop working and make sure I understand the goal/concept properly.

there is huge difference in being productive and just keep working ( so that I can feel like I am being productive ).

confusion also seems like a governing factor for developing aversion towards certain things.

I’ve been recently in conversation with several friends. and broadly there was 2 categories.

several people talked with a genuine curiosity. as I was trying new stuffs they have their concern like what if it didn’t work and what if all this time is wasted. they were trying to understand what i was doing and passing appropriately their point of view. and sharing their own problems and concern along the way. I am really thankful to these people.

than there was these friends who were not interested, or care about any of the stuff I was doing, majorly concern with proving they are right and were passing judgement and basically trying to tear me down. but the problem is these were not just any people. they are my old friends.

so why they are doing it. the major reason seems to be “ the discomfort of knowing about possibility of better life yet inability to take action because of fear. ”...

I would love to try new stuffs but i feel like I am blocked ! financially and physiologically. I can use as much certainty as possible so I could handle the situation more skilfully, moving back to bangalore from delhi. because of the certainty anchors are solid and environment is professional. clock is running and windows are closing quickly.

I only need 1 week of solid work or atbest 2, I need to redirect all my thought in this direction. specifically on how. I can not afford to tolerate resistance at this point of time.

there is a comfort in the feeling of progress. and that comfort sometimes has a strong gravitation. the problem is uncertainty feels quite uncomfortable which makes any good feeling even more attractive. and this false sense of progress becomes like a mirage.

in reality it causes the progress to take even more time. it is such a important thing to know when I am loosing the boundaries. it gets much much harder to acknowledge it when the goal is not very clear. hmm that’s why I love agile . whenever this feeling of lost in pursuit is bubbling up it’s a great time to refactor my goal or create a new one. it’s senseless to walk in dark.

a month has been past, real quick. things are taking more time than they supposed to but thats ok. feeling a bit lost but have enough confidence in myself and my compass.

it’s indeed challenging to move the needle when you don’t know which direction it needs to be moved on. keep taking action when things are getting more uncertain each day on every front. but that’s the whole point that’s the sign of something new is in the process.

i’ve absolutely no doubt about the path I am walking is the right path. even though I don’t know what it is or at best have some blurry vision, I am sure my heart is in the right place.

let me zoom out a bit and repaint a big picture for what I am doing ?

I would like to explore and cultivate more understanding about myself and my surrounding. explore multiple culture and interest, stuffs and whatnot ( my heart is practically pumping faster while I am...