as I can see I need to rewire and internalise a lot of new habits and one solid grounded stainless attitude. and changes are usually challenging in the beginning. so I would rather like to make more intense and deliberate effort in the beginning.

and I wanna kick off with starting a morning ritual. and it looks like this.

wake up: 6:00.
exercise: 6:00-6:30
get fresh 6:30-45 and revise the big picture
6:45- 7:45 - meditate
7:45 - 8:00 make sure you know what to do for rest of the day.
8:00- leave home got to a cafe and till 9:30 learn (spiritual/technical)
9:30 - for office.

and this is the whole focus for this week, installing this habit. and we will take it from there.

this was the week where I was mainly tried to claim my life back from mind. but I could not commit myself completely. one thing that was missing big time was clear manifesto for life. so I want to do that first. one thing I was noticing, at the end of the day my mind was very stressed out ( feels like being pulled by 2 sides ), and those were the day I was not motivated to do exercise and all. some times I don’t feel that instead I was feeling I could do anything. another strange thing I could notice was when my mind was stressed out the kind of remedy I was applying was quite unskillful.

spirituality - I started with 40min meditation practices and ended up with 20 min or even less. one thing I did constantly is listen to allan Wallace disclosures while i was travelling, and I kind of liked it.
for this week I will do 2 morning session of meditation, and write journal about...

I am alive, feeling, working and doing everything. but somehow back in my mind is like, I am not all in. feels like I am testing the water or something, not jumping with both feet. waiting for some official signal. and my mind is so happy to take advantage of it.

but this is it. and here is that signal, I don’t want to wait for anything anymore. I want to start living with all in. I am not confused anymore. and I have enough data to really start living, and I am sure I will refactor it along the road. to start I just need bare minimum.

the first thing is I am not willing to be a slave of my mind. and I wanna be able to see things more clearly, not through that dusty stained glass of denial and beliefs. I wanna feel healthy and I wanna attain flow in my work. and of-course taking care of my family. and this is a good starting point.

I am heartily aware of, why and what, and this is...

these weeks were the crazy weeks and I am feeling a bit lost here.

spirituality- life threw a bouncer here, and I tasted what challenge looks like and how much skill level I had here. even though I did meditation everyday the quality was poor, I didn’t sleep well so I was also falling in laxity in the sessions. in office I was loosing confidence momentarily ( my mind was doing some comparison and what other people would think stuff ). some times I found myself just clicking here and there. I could not maintain much of the spiritual attitude and words I was saying didn’t came out right more often. I was also loosing control over mind and it was making me to fallback to match the image in mind kind of pleasure. I was doing facebook in full blow and chattering mind was at it’s best, I couldn’t manage to find any peace. even though I know I manage to walk much more gracefully than ever...

how do I put it !! it was fucking stimulating on every front. I totally lost samtha, but no doubt spiritually it was a way above my pay grade. so in a nutshell I feel like now I am breathing after a week.

i arrived here last wednesday, had a bit of incident on visa office, found my hotel, next day went to office, new people, new place, new culture, challenging tech stack, lunch and I liked it. now comes the new beast, find a place to live because a week is not a long time. next day (weekend) so exhausted that came back from metro and slept at home till 3-4 o'clock. and than decided to go to bur-dubai. wrong decision!! metro all good. but stuck in the loop of bus and walked kms in search of metro station. next day searched for room and than enjoying the evening with hrishi and anmol. next day docker and room both team up to hack my mind. went jlt to look for room later. than comes...

this was a hectic week, dubai visa has arrived and I am leaving to dubai in couple of days. so I ended up moving to delhi and completing bank work and health checkup and all. spent a lot of time with mom though :)

for this week i think just settling down to dubai, lookout for room and understanding it’s geography would be great. the best thing I could hope to get a monthly rental for a month. and focus on technical and geographical understanding.

spirituality- impressively even after very stimulus week, I floated much more calmly and did 2 gatka of meditation ( 30- 40 min). effortlessly. the same I am expecting this week as well.

health- I sarted week with tai-chi did 2-3 session, but left everything after wednesday. I got my yoga book. get my tests done with doctor and found out I have solid vitamin D deficiency. and started medicine. I think for this week do t25 stuffs

family- oh...

there is a war happening inside between me and my mind, and the greyest area is mental gratification. the thing is I like pleasure and this is how my mind gets an edge over me.

these days I frequently switch between two modes of reality, one where I see a hindi song ( and you know how they are these days ) and I am watching a person in front of me, moving her body, pretending and trying to paint a new image in my mind, trying to tap into attachment zone. and even sometimes I feel a bit of compassion while thinking why are you doing this!, and the answer is for fame and money. but there is no reality, actor is not enjoying what she is doing but image says it is so enjoyable. there is absolutely no meaning or reality and i can see it very clearly. sometime I can see stuff for what they are. sometime I win. and I like being in this state.

but some other times, it feels pleasurable to...

interestingly while I am writing this, circumstances are ( sitting in barista ) being in a way that pride is kicking in at this very moment.

even though I am not driven by pride completely. I can not deny it does contribute in decision making. and I can not also deny there is a sense of pleasure in it. infect this pleasure is so addictive that I personally have faked myself, lie and even have gone way beyond from my ethical standard to get a bit of the taste.

the trunk of this would be what people will think, I really want to look very closely about what kind of pleasure it is.

pride could be such a thing people have dedicated their life to it. mainly because it has meaning very cheap yet better than nothing ( or just plain sense pleasure ). and it does satisfy a little bit even on flip side causes major unsatisfaction. it is a hopeless and regretful state of living.

at one point...

provably next week I will move to dubai. and this post is all about what I would like to do there. what is this journey is all about.

one thing that I am noticing in me these days, I have a stand on things but not in a egoistic way, may be it is coming from the combination of books I read, experiences of this year and out of bit more peaceful mind. I can see much clearly where is the problem and what should be the correct remedy, doesn’t mean i am strong enough to do the right thing all the time. but more often than not I am looking inside me for the remedy. also this stand and respect for inner self seems to empowering me to cut off a lot of non essential stuffs.

so what are the essential stuff and where I am going to focus my energy this year!, of-course it’s not like I am close to serendipity. or taming fear of uncertainty with a plan. it’s more of the consciously choosing where...

(wed-sat ) a week spent with family. there is something about energies in this place that i don’t feel very productive. I love to live with my family but don’t enjoy much living in morena. I am also more productive when working from cafes. and it’s not possible to get that setting here. this week i ended up reading peaceful worrier, in-out from thoughtworks interview, restarted creating design pattern course on udermy. spent unusual time on facebook and it was pretty clear that mind had upper hand this week specially when i didn’t know what to do right now. and i had a lot of these times this week. and I also went half way on a grammar course and start reading GOT.all in all i could say it was not the best week in terms of emotional stability and productive perspective, in one sense i could also say it was more of a low period and I felt a bit lost. but in retrospective i can say it was...