a feeling of playing way too small is wandering in my mind. I like technology but doing a job or working on a framework is not certainly something that has any purpose for me. and being a guy who wrote linux is not very exciting to me.

what I really love about technology is, it’s an incredible channel that allows to express me with very less dependencies. also an incredible skill to live well in the world.

if I have to create a product, in isolated island for no one but myself, I would be running around for it. but the reality is my spiritual, financial and even too a point technical skill is not up to a mark right now.

but that doesn’t mean, it stops me from starting and researching and doing small stuffs. I wanna plant this seed but not at the cost of forgetting other seeds.

it must be an aspirational call not a refuge.

so here is the situation. I am in the communication with my lead, amazing guy, he asks me why I implemented these features in certain way. and I have done pretty good job. but when I explain I could hardly understand my self ( it happens sometime ). somehow I become submissive in conversation. like really start to play defensive. while on technical level I should be dominating.

it happens while I communicate with other peoples. when I clearly know things are sidetracking I am not good to assert strong statement. I feel like I somehow hurt person in front of me.

behind the scene some comparisons are also happening in my mind where sometime I am putting person in front me on higher position.

I am sure this is the struggling period where i am actually developing my skill to communicate properly. I am not running away. and in a month or so I should be able to see clear progress here.

this is one of the best time of my life. very clear about what I am doing. no confusion about direction. constantly assessing myself. constantly struggling , developing and growing. getting over to my afflictive habits. making peace with my mind.

on the expression level, i am struggling, paying attention, sometime when challenge get higher I get anxious but not worried. than I come back and write about it like this :) . there is no doubt on the expression level this is how I would like to live. doing my best everyday in-front of a challenge that is higher than my skill. looking back with respect and smile that I am becoming the kind of person I respect and admire.

sometime it gets overwhelming because just knowing what is right doesn’t make old habit automatically dissolve they have their pull, and I truly truly respect myself for doing it. struggling voluntarily while it would be so...

may be it’s the oscillation of low time or may be I am more aware, but clearly I am experiencing irregular amount of noise in my mind. in general also I have not officially implemented mindfulness practice in my daily. and it is clearly running around and leaking life.but from last day or two I am experiencing abnormal activity.

mind is quite a thing, very conveniently it forget stuffs against it. so if I watch a video or read a book after a week, I am like ahh this is what it was about. ok I got this now. and if not reminded soon it starts to inject it’s own mean aspirations. a lot of time very well but deceivingly wrapped in way that seems like it’s beneficial for me.

the point is if I am feeling sick, I should take rest and heal that first, how would you enjoy a journey with sick physic. and what would you learn if you can not even see things as they are.

so for this weekend I...

so ofcourse ( now ) it turns out. places don’t intimidate me be it a shopping mall shop with most fancy design or probably 7star hotel. it’s the certain kind of people that intimidate me.

so if I think on the very surface level, people who are very “glamours”, mean, judgemental and project very high confidence intimidate me.

to be honest at some level I do understand ( not realised ). there is something inside me that intimidate me. not people or anything external. but I guess, I just can’t see the centre of onion without peeling the layers first.

so how can I get more data on it. of-course I would meditate on it. but real raw data can only be gathered with direct contact. ( oh ya I am feeling resistance ). ofcourse my office is nice place. I know people in my team that intimidate me. the other option seems like meetups, and gatherings where I can have direct contact to these...

there is a part of me that believes, bringing something that someone believes, into the world is fundamentally primitive than doing a job. and I am not saying this in any arrogant way. job has it’s role, to prepare oneself, to put food on the table and fulfilling basic necessity of human physic like feeling secure. and gaining skills and whatnot but it can not give a purpose to life. although it can provide very comfortable life, maybe enjoyable too. and can reduce suffering upto a certain level. but it has very less or nothing to do with aspirational part of happiness.

for me it is invitable to startup. and do something with a fulfilling cause. something that can nurture my sole. but just like anything else it’s a skill and I am a novice.

the way I see it, entrepreneurship requires certain level spiritual maturity, certain bucket of skills must be above a certain level. a person...

I usually left office around 6:30 and sleep around 10:00. what I usually do right now is, have some food in moe, watch some videos or something, and than do a meditation session and watch some more videos and than sleep. even though I don’t want to make it a strict ritual, but I need something more than this cuoatic time waste.

lets start with having dinner at some place nice, than either go for buying something, exploring place, and communities, start building your stuff, explore next adventure, learn to play music. the best thing I could do is first use this time to understand my affliction experientially . than explore the offering of the world with the first hand experience. than offer the world what you have.

this is the time needs to be invest in experiential exploring of self. engage in fear and aspirations. understand the nature of it than go beyond it.

ohh did you think I...

primal attitude -
when I reflect on primal attitude in meditation, it start with a short of shock, like common we are not just animal but than it start to make sense, I usually start with picturing myself as primal human, and than some peoples I know, and than move to see how everything root back to two simple aspiration avoid suffering and wish to happy. than I connect how afflictions distort reality and create suffering. sometimes I also reflect how virtues leads to happiness. and than i see how time washes everything. things that seems to be so solid real and permanent ( happiness or suffering ) everything dissolve with time. so actually I ended up with one reflection that includes what I first thought was 3 different principles. so obviously, now i have one primal guiding principle.

skill = consciousness*struggling time - when I reflect upon it. initially comes to my mind how I...

so I wake up everyday around 6, snooze for 10 minutes. fresh and do 25-30 minute exercise, occasionally take bath ( pssssst ). do 2 meditation session of 2minute each ( 1 samtha and 1 guiding principle ). leave home in between 8-8:30, breakfast at moe and then write or learn. leave office around 9:20-30.

this is my most favourite part of day, like first win in the morning. the best part in this whole ritual is when i am having my breakfast and than learning. I even look forward for it when I go to sleep.

it is great but I can definitely improve it.

part1 -
I wake up at 6:00 but start exercising around 6:30. I can make sure I am in the shoes at 6:05-10. after brushing and washing my face.

part2-
take a bath and at 6:40-50 i should be doing meditation and 7:30 I should be done with meditation. and before 7:40 i need to leave the house.

in meditation - some times I feel quite...

as I am moving forward ( starting of 3rd week ) in my 2 months bootcamp to restructure myself. leaving behind afflictive habits. my mind sometime helps, sometime appreciate, sometime insist, sometime resist and sometime time even get angry on me. yesterday it almost lure me to the other side.

I am also experiencing 2 realities frequently. one is good old afflictive downward slide, and other one is more realistic, primal and wise. a good sign of change is the frequency is increasing.

one of the place where mind has some serious advantage is, when I am agitated and have nothing to do. it’s pretty clear that I will fall into either mental gratification trap or even worse some affection will make a tempting argument. such a cheap act man. ( kick someone while he is down )

heatmap is quite red on when I get back to home or weekend time. I am sure i am not going to get much of the time...