The entrance is either need or exploration.

A relationship is bonding between two completely separate belief system, and ofcourse life and self. In a relationship the childish mind becomes more and more comfortable in expressing itself. In a way it becomes valnureable.

A relationship will have all the 9 yards of emotional experience. There will be personal life, mutual life, expectations, challenges, sharing, helping, affection, intimacy in every relationship.

There is difference in basic nature of person you are hanging out, some people will be compliant, some will be egoistic, some will be very mature.

I feel like I am always hugging her, when I am not she is doing something to grab my attention to give her hug. there is a strange kind of comfort in that, being close to someone like that.

There is intimacy and fantasy, which is growing on me, initially I didn’t want to much, but now I am always all over her. Although we act once a week. My desire is increasing and her quiet invitations and accelerations are only helping to grow it.

There is growing comfort. Before it was quiet less and now it is keep growing. And makes everything more easy. On the other hand it can also make it easy to demolish others boundaries.

The deadlock subjects, there is one clear gridlock, that she wants me to be exclusive and not see other women, maybe even marry her. I just don’t know, I don’t know my stance. Wether I wanna grow by engaging in other options or I wanna keep away from all the relationship...

Maybe many things contributed to it, change in diet, lazy morning but I knew what was important today and I did at some level but then in the afternoon I knew I had to go and further work but I spent time with Lin at one point I also knew that I should go. But the immidate gratification, lack of clear lines and stuggling hustle.

Feeling wise I will feel inspired, or less inspired based on days, and then there are other variables am I engaged in trails of the mind. Affected mind by different stimulus. Change in basic food. Ofcourse it will affect you on the level of body. And then mind can be scattered or pointed.

The real question is did you do your best. And the answer is no. This is the place for growth. Stretch your poles.

The second thing is knowingly engage in the pleasures at the cost of voilating routine. Ofcourse the judgement and self lashing will be the result. It wasn’t...

Today, especially at least few moments back I was not feeling very excited about anything. Few hours back I fooled around with lin, even though a part of me was suggesting that I will regret it. And if the day went without any solid gain, I will not go happy tonight.

The challange of the situation is that I was not feeling very inspiried about anything. Second I do have clarity on what I should be working on but no sense of urgency.

If I work for 1 hour I will be back in the rythym. And even though It might feel a bit disorient. I am still very much aware of what is happening in the mind.

Why :

• refreshing day, not feeling drowsy.
• energy not feeling tired.
• reset.

duration - it is said that it requires 8 hours of sleep or if the mind is not much agitated and doing regular meditations then it requires 7.

quality - if the sleep in being interpreted. It is not a good quality sleep and even though I lied down for 10 hours still I feel drowsy. Then there are different states, of sleep, how can I take advantage of the highest quality sleep.

env - the noisy places, snoring and sometime even bright places, they disturb the sleep, and cause the poor quality.

blanace - just lying down lazily isn’t resting. It doesn’t really help but on a contrary creates self judgement. Knowing if the sleep in enough.

nap - in the afternoon I like to take a nap for 20-30min. But it cause the problem because of food. Yet it refreshes me.

food and quantity - anther source of drowsiness is over...

When there is no real expectation. There is no tension. And it feels easy. In the presence of the desire the childish mind becomes more uncomfortable in the absence of the desire, oh it is so much easy and fun.

When I need nothing from other people I can listen to them, help them. Care for them, in a way.

There is so much freedom and power in this. You automatically become superior to the people who are rolling in the desires.

No desires and just smiling and laughing. Because of nothing but just your nature. This grounded understanding that no kind of desire can actually satisfy or stay. The mood can keep fluctuating infinitely. When experiencing desires mind don’t even listen.

Imagine if that is true, I am the universe. I am certainly not the body or mind. If I am really life, life is in everything. And my problem is this misunderstood thoughts. What do I need after that.

In a way...

Toady as I was coming out from the Vipassana course. I noticed one person announcing that. There is one person who wants to go to bhansakri one person was provinding lift who is that.

I also want to go to bhasankri, and I already have a ride by bus.

This has happened before when I actually took the ride from the person, the challange I faced was I kind of had to loose the freedom and kinda do what other person wants me to do. Whenever they want to go. Wherever they stop and all that. It’s kind of charity. You loose a certain degree of freedom.

Then there are some people might not even be comfortable sharing there resources, or they might wanna have some snack in between and all that. Like the time someone invited my brother. You could fairly guess other person is not going to be very mature and will restrict some degree of freedom from them.

Prefer your own way, if you have that...

Today I went to movie with Lin. I was feeling a bit conservative about spending money. Especially luxury spending. It started in the mind from the taxi fare. And then the dye art cafe. And then 300rs for the pop corn. My childish mind was not in agreement. A part of me didn’t want to, a part of me want to, confusion. If it was just me I woundn’t buy the popcorn but since lin was with me, and she said she wants to, that was the reason I want to buy that.

In that confused state. I went to that service provider, unsure. Even thought I knew the price I still asked him how much for what, and then I gave him 100rs. And he gave me a sarcastic comment. Or I maybe I misinterpreted his normal comment.

I was confused and unsure and in a way that makes me valunerable and other guy took a cheap shot. Or as I misinterpreted with Lin before, I totally misread the situation.

When You are dealing...

Today I went to airtel and then dam your way. When ever you go to the new place like that even maybe public speaking and all. For a moment there is a kind of tension. And then it relaxes, generally like 2 sentences.

Generally speaking, nobodies like it so people avoid it. Including me. In those tension spikes my breath disturbes chest there is a tension kind of things and it effect my vocal capacity so sometime the words stuck. And then there is desire for good social impression.

Then in within a minute that spike comes down and now you are kind of leading the conversation with ease.

Just keep observing it more carefully. And then observe that self judgment and desire to impress other people.

social -

• relationship recalibration [ integrate new data and refine | intimacy ]
• appearance
• selfless project - ashayien
• practice of crucial conversation
• never split the bill

health -

• sleep research and strategy
• clean program
• 3 yoga class

work -

• the need [ integrating last posts] [ research on the product ]

spirituiality -

• Vipassana
• astavakra
• patanjali