So there are three primary thought patterns in the domain of social which are silently creating numerous related desires and becomes escape flags.

There is one thought circle I will eat after this or sleep after this and rotating there has been actually vanished. There were thought patterns related to facebook, porn, GOT has vanished as well. In the later I just lost my interest all together as they became meaningless and I have n

Ao time for them.

In the first case it was somewhat byproduct of Vipassana. The way Vipassana seems to work is it brings certain kind of thought circles and it becomes very visible and with time pass away.

There is feeding and starving also, in the case of facebook I practically starved and in case of porn I permanently starved it. There was this growing understanding behind that it is not good for me. In case of masterbation I slowly tone down the...

company | friendship - I feel good about going back home. I feel good when I wake up and she snuggles in. In the period of this company, we generally play with each other, dance, hugs, kisses. We talk about our days or people connected to us. We do our work. We tell each other hope worries and what we do etc. we also cook and clean and do our night routine. It doesn’t feel lonely. Sometime we take a walk and make fun of each other so much that we laugh until our gut hurts.

easing up each other life - she cooks breakfast for me, wash clothes, clean house. Bring food and in all the ways take care of the home. Then sometime we have food at home. She does a lot for me to ease up my life. I never have to ask anything. I some time clean the kitchen or my own place. I help her to be more clear about the day and week and more organized in terms of planning. It is kind of filling up for each...

Scripted chart designed to cut off your escape route it funnels you down to the path of no exit but yes. You feel like your muscles are tightening, your voice go defensive. You feel like prey and you are. At the end of the day yes is often a meaningless answer, the hides deeper objection ( maybe even worse ), for negotiation No is pure gold. It clearify what you really want by eliminating what you don’t want.

The negotiator played the role of bully, conciliator, enforcer, savior, confessor, instigator, peacemaker.

A trap into which many people fall is to take what other people says literally. I saw the word No, so direct and clear wasn’t so simple. Her no was just the gateway to yes.I notice often when I said no I was open to hear what he had to say. Having protected to myself I could relax and more easily consider the possibility. NO is the start of negotiation. People need to feel...

Today I went for the lunch with J. At one point she mentioned, no it is ok I can socialize one on one. Non verbally I felt like she meant I don’t perticulairly want to but I have to.

The reason why I planned this is beacasue of the manitance point of view, I didn’t have a perticular desire to meet her.

In the conversation we catch up with what you are doing, what you are doing, It seems it was kind of challenging for her to keep her attention focused as her interest was not much here.

Then we went deeper in the sense of point of views and how we are facing the challenges of relationship. This is something I was interested in and conversation was kind of fun and a learning expericece.

This let me out what was really in my mind, and discuss that with other person. What she did beautifully is listened and gave her point of view.

I am not sure If she found it a lot of fun.

Yesterday I watched some porn video related to fetish, a part of me wants to see if I can learn something to implement in real life, and have experntial knowledge of it. Another child mind was feeling excited to see it.

The nature of mind is clear. If I watch a porn with the desire of obtaining pleasure it is going to feel a strange kind of pleasure and increase the desire to repeat it. And rotation of it will increase the repeadity the desire to come. This is bondage. On one had is this intense short term pull and pleasure at the cost of chains of addiction.

The second thing to realize these desires I need to force Lin, which creates disturbance, I am practically asking or forcing her to do something she is not comfortable with for me. This can breed dissatisfaction and disrespect as well.

Another level it is affecting the self-esteem by silent self judgement and then talking to...

If I ask myself, the most important why is to explore the relationship itself. Weather I want to be in one or not is the first question. What complexity and ease it brings. What are the common pattern and what is it about.

What exactly I know about relationship for sure. If I am not in one I was missing one. And I kind of start looking around for the prospect and confused. Although these are thoughts but they are painful.

There is more tease when see someone beautiful or couples etc. there is child attraction or repulsion not thoughtful decision. There is an expectation. There is a desire of realease which accompany some thoughts as well especially in the morning.

There is desire to talk to other people. And espacially taking walk on the Sunday. Tiredness and kind of aloneness in the evening. After the end of the Month I feel strong urge to move on.

Yesterday since we have some unease, toady conversation is not as smooth as it usually is. We are hugging and talking but there is this small unease. There is this fear that my normal expression can hurt her. I think she is doing the same.

That was an interesting incident yesterday. And there are many repair from that time even in the evening she cooked me the zerra.

On the level of the child mind it does affect from the last moment. And emotion takes a little bit time to wash away.

Talking it through can release the tension built up and then let it wash away. This is expected. Observe and take it in all.

sprituality -

• astavakra - write and meditate.
• daily write up for know what matters.
• applying for 20days Vipassana.
• keeping the mind centered and inspired.
• bramhavidya khand.

social -

• relationship with Lin.
  • long term | contrast | conflict | intimacy | play | goodbye
  • how to release the desires
  • acceptance | rejection, sexual turmoil, winning| impressing.
• never split the bill.
• every day opportunity to serve.

work -

• made in America.
• need. Draw.

health -

• sleep, draw. Practical steps.
• cleansing, draw. Practical steps.

spiriutality -

• Major recalibration and draw.
• Vipassana 1 day retreat.
• meditations - Patanjali | Astavakra.
• reading - astavakra.
• learning of the day
  • tension spike Dam ur way| Disrespect at movie| help Vipassana
  • uninspired loose day| know what matters, suffle| denied by authority

social -

• five dysfunction of team
• draw solitude | pound of unease | thought
• Desireless self love
• relationship. Lin. Freestyle. What am I writing.
• relationship. Good parts.
• relationship conflict. Resolution.
• Never split the bill
  • new rule | be a mirror | don’t feel lable the pain.

health -

• sleep. Map.
• sleep. Practical steps.
• cleansing plan - 2 days.
• know what matters. Write up.
• 3 yoga class.

work -

• know what matters. Draw.

why - I want to feel refreshed, alert and restored.

the noise in the night - the noise in the night keep waking me up but the white noise solution seems to work. Although I need to research more and see its side effect. It is far better than ear plugs. Delta waves and deep sleep is another relative concept.

yoga nidra ( rotation and breath ) - falling into sleep quickly by conscious relaxation of breath and rotation of yoga nidra.

dinner - what kind of dinner is best for the sleeping.

night time ritual - the night time ritual to winding it up.

after noon nap - I feel refreshed after that. Another relative concept is cercadian rhythm.

spiky food and effect of it -

*dark circles - I have dark circle which clearly have to do with this.

recovery - some nights I don’t sleep that well. How can recover from that lethargy.