I am clearly not his body although body moves on my command. I am clearly not the voice, although voice moves on my command. This much I know. All the emotions and sensations are also not me, it has the strong effect on the voice and mind. These sensations are the strongest.

One thing I experiential feel I am is this sense of me another one is this field within which all the voice, and emotions are happening.

My experinece so far is this field of awareness and this sense of I, this is what I am at this level. I can also control voice and body.

Understanding of something is at the level of voice. So when you disqualify the understanding you will get that nagging voice. This is the experience.

Understanding can be dangerous becuase it needs protection. Then right and wrong is based on that understanding.

Understanding based on the explanation of others could be wrong. But if you believe in it you have to deal with it on the level of mind.

Your understanding must be based on your truth. Or by careful observation, otherwise it will create noise.

It will be much slower and most effective way.

You would get chance to clean conflicting understanding and you have to take that chance.

Than there is experience. Or the direct precption based knowledge This is unchallengeable.

There are many things to be learn and figure out, bussiness, social aspect of life, health and their subparts. There are many mental circles that needs to be let go, and there several mental qualities that needs to developed and I am working on them.But there is increasing understanding that it is not going to be enough. They are important but not the core.

Who am I, how can I know, what are the ways.

There is my body, which is growing by itself, it needs to be fueled and rested, it creates the different sensations like lethargy, pain. Etc. Other than fueling and taking care it is not in my control. I can move it and create sound.

There is a voice, it is saying things all the time, it is angry, annoyed, generous, happy and all. Cleansing and purification are required at this level.

There is sound of silence. Just there. There is a sense of awareness,

There is knowledge regarding...

Today I was listening to sandeep and he was explaining I am the substratum of this universe. And then I remember from the GoenkaJi explanation that what generally people believe they are basically a part of the mind, real self is beyond explanation. I believed in him.

This is the belief, what sandeep is saying is also belief, what goenkaJi is saying is also belief. And this is actually good, because this conflict is letting you know that it was a belief not your experience. Whatever could be challenged is just a belief.

The way conflict feels there is voice and then I wanna protect that so whatever I am listening need to pass through it. Mind wants to protect it’s version of reality.

Getting all this info you have to observe and see and then build the base, instead of what sandeep is saying and what goyenka ji is saying. You have to read them all and then see and understand.

The goal is to be alert and energatic.

The morning and afternoon tea they seems to not really alert me but actually heat up and make me somewhat uncomfortable internally. It might also drop the energy level later.

Try green tea instead and see how does that work.

I want my body alert, energetic and well mainited.

white noise is incredibly helpful to cut down the road side noise. And get the good night sleep which affect the alertness and energy both.

The second challenge is sometime I can not go to sleep. Or wake up in the middle of the night. The solution for this is the rotation of awareness and deep breath.

Experiment with this.

Fear and Anxiety - Reading Sam Walton : As mind was reading Sam Walton, a part of my brain was rejecting and feeling afraid. And mind was trying to finish it rather than comprehend it. In one hand mind didn’t know why behind it. On the other hand it was kind of meaningless work to finish it. And than out of fear and anxiety mind started to worried about all things.

Whenever you are facing a mind related opportunity, take a step back and sit in the seat of observer until you are free from suffering of the mind. Then check the state of your body, is it overexcited, dull or energy less. Then silently observe the mind for 2-3 minutes. Then connect the why with your core values. In this case I want to understand life of a great bussinesman how his mind worked, what he did, and grab some ideas from him. So when I am working on the next step I have better data to work with.

If the task you...

First thing you need to arrive at the place where you have experiential knowledge of who are you. Practicing to stabilize there. And without any thing or any kind of expectation you are in peace and happy. And that is where you live.

Then your mind and body is alert, energatic, and inspired. You clearly know if there is any disbalance and how to come back to center.

Then you are consistently mastering the social aspect of your life, compassion, relationship, accountability. Leadership..

Than you are focused on the work, survival, freedom,…

THE PROCESS:
the process - there is an impulse around the chest and pubes even in the whole body or a voice. If I engage in it it turns on the velocity. And feels more megnatic. The intellect is totally hijecked and will say anything to get me do that. If I do not engage there is unpleasant sansation and there is a time delay, it could also be days. Once the cycle is over thought quickly change into the self pity.

And certain point I just loose control, impulsive reaction in the bed with partner and being alone at bother house and Bangalore.

cycle and frequency - It can not be satisfied, I have already did for around 10 years. The frequency only grows. Also what I desire increases.

outgrowth of disease - It was small impulse when I was small maybe 12 years old and feeded for years and now it is bringing fruits. This fruits were quiet visible in vipassana. It comes in the form of...

Today I noticed I can do work like writing the book astavakra, listening to singer, reading books Sam Walton. But It was hard when I have to think about the sexual fantasy and how to get out of it.

What is this thinking. It is clear that it has more weightage. Just reading and writing does affect at one level but this is where it really matters.

First of all it requires the presence of the mind and holding mind on one point. There is a kind of effort. And then some time I can not comprehend clearly or the work seems to be below my expectation.

Ultimately you have to look at the situation and get the meaning. This is the procedure. And remedy. You have to look at the situation and understand it, and you have to keep doing until you have good understanding. It’s ok if you have not enough understanding, this will lead to the edge.

Is the effort drains me, I am doing it right now. And...