I read Bhagwat Gita in the morning and there is visibially push in the heart. There is another feeling or arre yaar. There is no strong pull towards the direction. There is pull from the lower direction and I am kind of suppressing them. And its not pretty.

Ok lets tackle them one by one.

Uninspiried : How do I know! I don’t want to wake up early, things are routine, I don’t feel much pull from the things I am doing. I want to go back home early. I am not motivated.

When I felt the motivation!. I was feeling motivated to come back home when Lin was here. I feel motivated to read through that book on negotiation and I am motivated to read through the crucial accountability.

The motivation is feeling of excitement and enthusiasm.

Another thing is I feel like I am doing things for the sake of it, I am not feeling long term pull. The depth in work is missing. If I put the depth than it...

I was feeling not inspired, I read Bhagwat Gita, and continue to pave the work, the work I am doing wasn’t really creating any meaningful ends. My heart is anxious, it is finding ways to solve the problem. Really stupid and counterproductive ways.

Not inspired, worried, wrong calibration, too much reading and not much practising.. not moving forward in a meaningful way. It’s a doubt.

Since I was finding different ways, I was loosing faith in the direction I am traveling and I am also loosing faith in myself. Why is that!

I am moving in right direction with Spirituality. Social. Health. Work. There is no result and achievement.

There is another stream that I am not in contact with other people. So some shitty things are coming up. Sexual urges. Anxiety etc.

Direction I have no doubt about. It is the uncertainty. And a sense of overprepration.

Can I make a better goals. See there is...

The presence of others - when someone is present, I become more conscious, doing certain things are hard. I am not going to be naked. This effect is on the level of heart and mind.

Thumbs up and down - if someone thumbs up or be impressed with my creation it feels magnatic and good. If someone is not impressed there is droping sensation.

showing what I like hiding what I don’t- if I value some action lowly it creates the heart sink and I will try to hide it from other people. According to my world I show whatever I think of highly. Then other tell me what they think, if they say they like it, I feel good otherwise I try to fight or feel unsure. Another close section is doing what others like. Somya did that.

Plain disrespect - when someone disrespect me it makes me feel angry. Or at unease, it hurts to see someone think lowly of me. Also when you be the butt of the joke.

soft...

In the afternoon and in general as I was reading through there was mental chaos, a sense of hipocracy, I said that to walasker that it is not good to ask salary and yesterday Avinash told me his salary. I made him a bit comfortable. Then something wasn’t right. I am just overpreparing or avoiding to face the job challange. I don’t know what I am doing, I shouldn’t feel this way after 2 years of studying and all.

Mind was freaking out. Although I did continue doing what I suppose to do but just this mind was freaking all out. All kind of garbage thinking.

I didn’t initiated it, It is just puking it out.

I am not much engaged with other people these days. So ofcourse the silence is causing it headache. If I start engaging with other people it will have all the food to chew. And it is something that can not be solved by doing anything. It is something that needs to be observed and...

The first layer is the world, people in it, things that are happening, some things are happening according to my beliefs, somethings are not. My family, friends, partner, job, people to deal with all comes in this category.
They do affect me internally. People and things.

Then the voice inside my head, constantly chatting and telling me I should do this and that, it’s foundation is beliefs. And it will keep changing following it’s trail isn’t leading in the direction of happiness, because it is constantly changing. There is cause and conditions here and it is possible to make it happy.

Then there is emotions. These vectors are powerful. But they are just as impermanent. The voice and emotions has a strong connection. They affect each other. Infect voice is weak in front of emotions and primarily trying to gain and loose that.

Then there are samskara, the old experiences that wasn’t...

I called Avinash today. And the conversation flowed, in the end he asked so what your day look like, I said I meditated. Read… I felt a bit unclear. Unsure. After that I felt familiar sensation of unease in chest. Maybe I made a bad impression. Than I took a walk. And as I followed the trail.

I was seriously contemplating the job and all few hours back. Knowing very well this temporary trick of the mind. Getting married to lin. Etc.

Ofcourse this is the trick of the mind. And also there are different states that are coming up since you are not really speaking much these days. Let them come and get cleansed. The work I did was actually very good.

I was somewhat aware of it. The only thing better would have been If I continue down the road.

Sprituality -

• project self realization
  • dedicated mornings.
  • accelerate.
  • Gita. Micheal singher.
• 2hr log
  • alert | centerd
  • heat | lethagy | air.
  • if get carried away meditate 15 min.

social -

• praise | acceptance.
• crucial accountablity.
• summarize all three.

health -

• waking up in nights.
• Jal Neti.
• food for alert and energatic.

work -

• the next step.

sprituality :

• knowledge
  • astavakra by sandeep.
  • Micheal singher.
  • Gita
• logging state of mind every 2 hours followed by Gita.
• LOD
  • the one big now. Seeing object or reality. The foundation of info.
  • the death of a pegion. Carried away. The emotions. Conscience or belief.

social -

• winning and explaining.
  • 1,2,3
  • the underlying stone.
  • the effect and remedy
  • competing/
  • anurag vs. lin
  • normative comptetion
  • draw.
  • recording or winning and explaining and sexual turmoil.
  • acceptance
  • belief and acceptance.
  • liking
  • sensation
  • disrespect
  • praise | redecuiled | respect | disrespect
  • when I give praise and ridicule.
  • love Crucial accountablity
• what it is and who care
• work on me first

work -

• gridining it out.

health -

• rotation of consciousness and sleep position.
• cooking
  • sandwich | poha | pulav | soya chunk
  • eat 2/4 + ¼
  • green tea.

So there is an emotion. Something has triggered it. The voice has control, If do not continue the same old path. I get this emotional spike. That is based on the belief and understanding and in the realm of the mind.

IF what i believe is right and do something else. Ofcourse there is emotional spike.

Is there a difference in what I believe vs. conscience. Consceinces are something I truly believe. Not killing other person. Not stealing. But none the less it is in the realm of mind. These are just deeper value.

Lin created the atmosphere of strong respect, liking, and praise. She genuinely appreciate me being there. And the more I care about her love and approval, the more it is going to hurt when she withdraws it.

This trinity of intense respect, liking, and praise, as well as I liked her behaviour. This is what feels like love. The attraction happens based on the need of sexuality and my appresial for certain quality.