Toady is what I call a down day. I woke up late and roll around for sometime. Thinking about things, knowing well, when I will woke up, they will be irralivant. I woke up fresh, make some breakfast for myself.

Then I went to office, Finish the recording and started reading crucial accountability, in the afternoon, I was kind of loose in logging and had no desire to read Gita.

Then in the afternoon the sensation or energy if you like to say so was foggy. So I took a walk instead. And when I came back the energy wasn’t bad but I was feeling what I am reading not comprehending and a bit meaningless as this is endless.

So I came home and went to park to meditate. And then it started raining, and I moved to yoga class, and meditated there. I was loosing awareness every now and then in the class.

And then when I go back I was almost spent.

This is what I used to call the low periods...

I was walking down the road and I noticed a pegion something was wrong and he could not fly or run. Helpless and his eyes were looking for help. I took a look feel a very strong sensation in my heart. But I have never touched the pegion so there was a repulsion of a sort at the same time. I kept walking away. A dog came and start pretty much eating that pegion. Some people stoped and maybe boo boo the dog. But I was out of sight.

It was heart to focus on the work after that and it felt meaningless, there is again disorienting sensations. At the moment it’s washed away.

There was self judgement and all that story afterward. What’s the point of learning all this if I don’t help him

When I saw that pegion I thought crossed my mind to somehow pushed it corner so it can survive. At the same time I have never touched the pegion so repulsion was very strong.

This repulsion is my heart...

Yesterday I was reading the book from sadguru and he mentioned the story about the serpent and then told his interpretation of that. He was the hero that serpent, of course there is another info inside me that alert the alarm. As I had info from don megiule. I trust him more than sadguru.

In the case of sadguru, he is telling whatever he wants. And then he said the guru is only who knows Tantra.

Either I trust a person or not. When I trust I tend to believe everything like it is a source of truth, when I don’t I would not listen to them.

Here is the challenge he is half good and Half BS.

You have to see read the argument carefully and than see if it goes with your experience and than agree or disagree.

If you are reading other you need to be able to listen to them see if what they are saying make sense. Accept, reject or clearify based on that.

Now from where this person is...

There are two different worlds for me the meditation, self knowledge, yoga, intentional living. For Akhil it is dinking, smoking and having short term pleasure whose way is right !! Fighting on these kind of things are stupid, ofcourse he sees the way he is conditioned. And I see the way I am conditioned or chose.

Generally what happens between me and J is we share our point of view on the subject. And learn from each other. With me and Akhil I don’t see Akhil as a vary trustworthy person. He seems duplicit. So often I don’t even listen what he is saying because I don’t trust his credibility.

One thing because we have a lot of history which created a kind of mess. So there is a lot of complex data. And I have listened him many time. And noticed he talk very superficously and lead to the path of speculative timepass. He and J was also doing the same, says the right thing but do not act...

I compete with Anurag on girlfriend but not with lin on cooking. The one thing is the personality of Anurag is competing and so is with Akhil. They both are in a way challanges me to play. They offer this game because they are also playing it.

On the other hand lin and j and akshaya these people are not egoistic and instead of challange looking for the advice.

When I desire something it unbalance me, and then there is this idea that I am better than everyone else. When I see something like someone is working in Europe or having a very beautiful girlfriend wearing heels and tight clothes. It unbalances me, now I justify to make sure that I am better than them by telling how they will fail in future and get divorced. How they are fucking up in other areas like career maybe, denylin the experience and proving i am wrong. This whole process evoke when I see something that I want.

Interestingly I start the process concoiously, I check what other people are doing, with an inticipitory sensation and than I feel shllaow sensation or backward sensation, and then I justify the whole thing.

I mainly compete on things I lack and I compete with everyone on the planet with that sharat on girlfriend.

If I am doing better than someone in some area, I...

I was running this experiment today, I was checking the competing and explaining emotions, and ofcourse as the pull comes, I loose the equanimity and everything seems so real.

When I am not very entangled, I can see things more clearly and it doesn’t affect me, I don’t take it personally and can see the things as it is.

When you see every thing is so real, stop. Observe your mind until it settles. And see the stone and then reset. The deeper you go the more it will take to bounce back.

In comptetion you check someone and an anticiparoty sensation kicked in, and you are somewhat afraid, then you check what other person is doing, the comptetion is such that if other person has a single thing that you care about and don’t have. You start to feel hollowness in heart.

Afer this game you feel disoriented in terms of direction. Now how many people you will compete with in that one thing, and than how many things you will compete upon. You usually compete on things that you you are lacking.

If you won a comptetion you feel puffed up chest. And ego grows, you tighten up. The momentory feeling is good. You are automatically start to make fun of other person.

Than it is cycle, the more you engage the more frequency will grow.

Competition happens over an object. Having most beautiful partner, most wealth. It is going to be something I care about. Something I suppressed or desired. Looking good.

When I compete and lost I am gonna feel low self worth, current thoughts are about I should look for the job in namshi etc…

Comptetion can become the source of purpose, your puspose and action could come from just that. This is like playing the vary wrong game.

If I won the completion. I have already won it in so many categories, I have amazing girlfriend, I worked for 3.5lakh/month salary. I have travelled for 3 years. Done over 10 retreats, meditated for 4-5K hours, have freedom, readi 100s of book, people are using me as ideal. Probably better communicator than 90% people.

I compete based on something that I lack. And then I look at others and if they have it there is a self judgement.

In reality people are...

Protecting and proving my beliefs are right, making sure no one gets ahead, dismissing their argument and putting blame in their character, and then desire for checking what other people are doing.

The feeling of completion is hollowness in heart. Kind of anticipatory feeling something might go wrong. The heart area start to tighten up. And ofcourse after engaging it in for sometime I feel disoriented. Loose the sense of direction.

these sensations are triggered when I see Anurag maybe getting Job in France or getting married to french girlfriend. Or Sishin giving technical talks.

I didn’t even read what Akhil wrote in that email. He might also be trying to do proving his argument and position.