It’s been around a month, I am staying at home, and I am getting better at it, I did yoga, learned to cook, called Lin, watched porn and movie. Complete cloud devops nanodegree and working on data engineer.

There is no clear direction in terms of work, relationship, and vipassana, I feel like I am getting lost in the rut. I am doing meditation but like there is no soul to it. No intention or energy more like going through the motion.

Life has presented an amazing opportunity in front of me, It has presented the endgame. Here is a situation that I kind of avoided in one form or another. A naked situation.

I am clearly capable of rising above the situation but for some reasons keep sinking.

The best work that can be done here is on the level of awareness and the internal world.

On the second layer yoga, and programming.

There are only two choices in front of me, relationship or no relationship. and then second is the relationship with lin or someone else.

The challenge is this fleeting mind. The moment it sees someone more beautiful, it starts to generate these ideas of how it is a stupid idea to marry Lin. If it gets rejected, it starts to go in another direction.

You have to transcend the mind.

What exactly is the love?

Even though feels solid, it is a mere illusion. A set of values practiced a lot.

I am of a certain kind, of a certain nature. So is everybody. That nature is learned, You can practice and become whatever kind of person you want to become.

You can be an honest man, a saint, a lover, an impulsive person, a strategic person, an addict. a time-waster.

Whatever the kind of actions you take that kind of person you become.

There needs some power to stay on the decided path. When the urges are strong, and clarity dwindles. When things are not feeling quite fun, When it is painful. When you want to sleep and masturbate.

You can stay still when inner states are painful, and you can take actions when things are confusing, and you can let go of your ways, when you know your way is not right way. You can speak when things can be potentially humiliating.

This is the strength and power of will,

Even If I know what is the right thing to do. It doesn’t mean I can actually do it. Atleast consistently.

When I am in the meditation retreat, I can do it for 30days straight. Even though It is very challenging for most of the people. So is when I was doing Yoga TTC. Cloud developer.

The consciousness, the will, the commitment, the people around me, the lower self energy, the voice, and heart, they all have power.

Giving the nature of the world choosing how to live well. Understanding the principle of nature. And practice taking right actions. Being clear with what is important and practice doing it. Asking the questions, and knowing why?

Practice virtues and letting go wrong habits.

Understanding and practicing your life based on those principles. Choosing and practicing the right habits.

Asking the right questions. Basing your actions based on these.

Very strangely, morning I could not meditate. The inner state was imbalanced. in the evening I had most serene meditation and an intuitive understanding of I am not the fleeting mind and emotions.

Make a singluar firm resolution to go beyond mind, body, and emotions. Knowledge can’t take you there. practice will.

Continue the journey.

There is a voice driven by emotions like fear, greed, competition, judgements, impusive. This is the mind. This is a disaster.

Living in this plan, and action driven by these stream of cause and effect, a downward spiral. there is nothing but misery on this plain.

So why we do it? because it is default unless you chose otherwise. and it is easy and provide instant distraction. the second degree effect are unresonable. The dissatisfaction, the noise, the poor self image.

Actually this is the problem, not the job or relationship, this is the sucker.

I am not going to live here. period.

How do I get out of here?
First you stop listening to it. It is very seductive, and persuasive. You never fight, just release the attention. and start taking action based on intellegence.

Now this will not happen overnight. but it will happen overtime.

Step by step build your action...

There is path to self-destruction and I was walking on it. It is a path of low self esteem, humiliation, creepers and crawlers. That is over though.

Tomorrow, I am coming back to the game. And I will get better each day.

It is a switch from mindlessly acting to choosing appropriate actions and then going forward. Building something beautiful and meaningful.

There is a part of me which is leading the action, scared, impulsive, and taking actions like this is a problem, or being in that state is a problem.

It cares about food, sex, other people of approval, as soon as you act, it further creates a camotion about low self worth.

It is just a voice, If you are not delibrate it takes president.

I can take my attention out of losi, but then where to put it?

Can I retrain it?

There is a intelligence, and I use it. to live a balance life, to grow, to build meaningful habit.

All your action should be coming from here.

And then you should be exploring the conciousness.