The mind in its default conditioning seems to be broken. Two different beliefs both imaginary and you get stuck. An affliction comes and you become agitated.
It is a blocker than a supporter.
With self-suggestion, you want to slowly turn into an ally.
There is a distancing happening within me, between sense of awareness and mental activity, even heart related activity. The more distance and understanding increases the more librated I become from the mental chaos, desires, body etc… It is said the nature of that is beautiful, compassionate, complete etc…
Understanding it, realising it, and getting established in it is the goal.
There is suffering in the way pysche is functioning, the habits, illusion, and attachments etc… There are many concerning elements here. And it can be improved.
Mind and heart combo is nothing but the set of desires, structure, and
I would like to get the Job:
Right thinking and right actions. The right karma. Good karma leads to a pleasant state of mind. There is a lot of senseless noise here which is only creating suffering.
There is another kind of happiness, the happiness of self, the awareness, this is a happiness of thoughtless state, and emotional turmoil.
You have a nature, being true to your nature is better than trying to achieve other people happiness.
It is clear as sky that there are triggers, internal states starts to get uncomfortable and if I follow the trigger, I end up in very poor state of mind later. The trigger comes as a challenging situation. Calibration is wrong. Some sort comings are surfaced.
It also shows a very important aspect of life. There is this capacity of being able to be present in the time of the wrong thinking and emotional discomfort instead of giving up and start doing easy thing. There is a direct co relation with self worth here.
Yesterday, Lin brought up her challenges in the relationship. It was triggered by Vipassana long retreat. In essence, she was asking how long you will do it, before you reach the point.
Because of my vipassana, her life is on hold. She was afraid that it may take me forever to come to that point. And then she was also afraid I will reach the point and then I will stop being interested in the world.
She mentioned that I am neither here nor there. brainwashed, missing out on things etc.
Then we talk about her age and being unable to carry a child after certain age.
My mind didn’t feel moved inside and listen to her problems.
From my perspective, I am feeling centered. In a way, Ok with whatever is happening around me and feeling content and satisfied internally.
I personally didn’t had personal desires. So I didn’t suffer.
This perfection I want to continue. This is what I will...
There are several things I fear about the relationship.
But I like talking to her and her stupid laughs.
My basic current approach to relationship is I do want to experience all but I don’t want to experience any burden.
Why relationship?
it helps me to become a better person?
to not feel lonely?
to fulfill the desires?
I want to make me feel happy and the only way to make me happy by fulfilling my desires and avoid fears.
Positive thoughts and emotions are Sukha, Negative thoughts and emotions are Dukha. Both are impermanent.
There are thoughts generated by objects side effect. They stay with the object and then passes away. If you resist then they stay. The great stupidity is to solve the past. If any reaction happen, you made it stay.
Are thoughts and sensations the same but two sides of the same coin?
The biggest gain here is If I learn to relax my hold on to at least the negative stuff I have held so tightly.