You have to slowly step by step solve these 4 things.

Self - Process and discovery.

Mind - Gosh, something has to be done here.

Relationship - Delaying only makes things worse.

Work -

What is the problem?
There are these dual thoughts about her. A part of me wants her, another afraid. The part that is afraid is afraid of unreasonable things. It is afraid of letting go of other options, competition, and loosing, I made a poor choice while I could make a better one. She is not healthy, etc.

My. initial understanding of relationship was that it should make me happy, It can not, It is different, and deeper. It is more about the journey together. Sharing and supporting and taking.

Are you capable of leaving her?
Yes and No.

Why No?
I feel good talking to her. I will feel hurt. It is nice to have her as an option, I can take decision later. Most likely she will not find someone, and I don’t like seeing myself as someone who was at some level responsible for that.

Why Yes?
I don’t even remember Namrata, once I was talking to her all the time for years. So things do pass...

The improvement is the Adhisthana morning meditation and dullness. Correcting the intent of Bhagwat Gita. Practice the Yoga of action here. Add three times the Lunch.

Using the intellect to move out of the mind. Jidu Krisnamurthi and Sandeep on intelligence.

Evening log of the day.

The retreat is slowly forming. Food is getting optimized, daily medications are happening. Bhagwat Gita is starting.

The process has started and it is getting continued. At the moment I know and not know the goal, things are adapting, the old habits and challenges are still there.

The idea is to work inside yourself. See if you can find joy, strength, and love inside. See if you can find yourself inside.

Some practices that are working well.

• Satvik food in moderation. This week you can also add 3 days of eating satvik lunch. The purpose of it is to have calm state of mind.

  • Bhagwat Gita reading. Daily one concept video, This is not about selling the idea but like receiving the teaching and offering, Make it the work of Yoga. Do this as an act of yoga.
  • Daily Yoga. losening the body and slowly learning to sit in lotus.
  • Morning 2 hrs Meditation. Make it truly the practice of...

How can I experience and get established in that?

Get control of the food - Food plays quite an important role. Eat sattvic food in moderate quantity.

Stay away from lower self/Basic precepts - Taste, sex, lethargy, excitement, different mental desires.

Setup a clear ritual - Build and place precise and clear ritual that needs to be followed. that way there is no place for ambiguity.

Yoga practice - A simple daily evening Yoga practice keeps the body in excellent shape to work with.

Methods -

Vipassana Meditation - Observing sensations, breath, and then let go of everything. The effect of the practice is, it creates the distance between mind and awareness and this process of just observing allows mind to extremely settled and easy to work with.

Satsanga - Listening to Micheal, Sandeep, Krishnamurthy and creating youtube videos.

Guidance - Bhagwat Gita, Tao the ching...

One no brainer is to somehow be free from this automatic low quality model that reacts on every action. It is a big drainer. I do not want to live life based on suggestions coming from there. Its strategies are get blocked in confusion, try to satisfy all the desires. compete and win from everybody around you. Sense satisfactions etc. I do not want to engage in that.

Conscious model and practice, I can choose to solve important problem, practice right virtues, and very intentionally build and chose what is important to me and how I wanna live my life.

Experience awareness, I wanna explore deeper self, awareness, and qualities that are attached to that. I wanna experience that.

Now there is a very clear point. The way I am going forward is not going to work, and I have to reinvent myself and take some decisions. This kind of going with the flow is a problem.

On the other hand I am completely capable of doing long retreat by myself, I have to resolve this point here. and come to the place of clarity.

Clean the house and start the process. If takes six months, let it take. but come to the clear plan of action.

External situations are not favorable, my inner state is also getting unbalanced. I have made poor choices in some way, and haven’t really learned from them. I have chosen ease in some sense.

My strategy is poor, at least in terms of living external life, I do not feel good about me struggling to be mediocre. I have used spirituality as a excuse.

My actions are not strong, I am seeing weakness in me.

On the other hand, I am getting closer to my true self, there is a sense of tolerance, and separation. There is a sense of peace.

There is also a growing sense of I can actually let go of this whole mental model and go beyond the ignorance.

I can potentially find my true nature, and love, and compassion, and peace, and freedom.

I can potentially go for permanent retreat. If I am serious, this is the opportunity.

Second thing is working with this poor conditioning of mine. Acting...

Based on my past habitual patterns, I am living in a cage of my conditioning. Comparing how I am doing? Avoiding any kind of behavior that can cause me inner disturbance. I am continuously acting based on my past conditioning and it is leading me to failure.

What I wanna do is change my past system to something more productive and useful, and It can only be done if I am comfortable with the change and the discomfort of the voice and emotions.

Why I wanna do it?
Because if I don’t it leads me to the broken life, I am heading into the very poor direction. Undecisive, missed the life, poor self esteem… It is like I am in a cage and I need to get out.

What I wanna do?
I wanna be able to handle any kind of emotional and thought that comes to me and allow them to pass.

How can I do it in a systematic way?
Observe. If it gets hard, use affirmations, Make it very clear what you want and...

Can you handle it?
What is your limit of tolerance? How much you can handle? Physical and psychological discomfort? Can I practice it?

I can start with integrating a small amount of it, everyday and then build on top of it.

If you wanna change, you must be able to be free from any thought and sensations.

The first thing I wanna work on this, being able to be still in front of inner disturbance, see what you are comfortable with and what you can become comfortable with.