It feels pleasurable when someone likes my post, and prasie me, and respect me. The exact sensation is a multi-directional flow from the heart. And this passes away and the clinging left. Then this constant nagging and thought. My mom is a good example of where it ultimately leaves. Another effect is the more I do it, the worse the action become. If I like the praise and applauses from people then It is hard to create the next video. Because intention is from sharing to looking for the appraisal.

See it is not even hard to let go of it, It is leaving the pleasurable taste like Somosa. If you really wanna be free of it, then you have to let go of the urge of going there, and repeat to yourself, the right undetstanding.

Urge is in the form of checking your channel, lying to hide something that you think was inappropriate.

There are certain patterns of the mind that I know are not useful. Looking for acceptance. Getting attached to the food. Enganging in the attraction to women. Jumping and hoping the places. I know these are not wholesome actions but I am doing them beacuse they are of the past habits.

On the other hand. I am putting effort in terms of enquiry and solving problems, and Mind review. Letting the good information in and bad information out. Selfless service. Relationship. Learning.

In order to change the direction of the mind, I have to go through this period of change with intensity, not a lull effort.

Start eradicating one by one the unwholesome action and keep reinforcing the wholesome one.

Take the acceptance one to get rid of. and take the inquiry to add deeply.

The Mind Patters Update.

12Oct/20
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Failing or staying with Unknown creates discomfort. And that leads to fearful thought
Age difference comparison triggers the same response
Fear of old age and not having child are the same.

Things are not going in favour, trying odesk, heart sink and comparison with Anil and judgement.
Trying to be what other wants me to be - Call with London girl. Got back.
Excitement of possible opportunity - Excited and unable to work.
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13Oct/20
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The habit of somehow just finish the work quickly, I retreat and did it properly, let It take time but do a good job in anything that you do.
Another habit of any successful completion should be celebrated. Not a very harmful habit but habit none the less.
The shell test was rather unexpected and my reaction was blaming to the platform. And mind was agitated about it. Somehow cheat and complete, I completed the task...

There are things that process does, The consistent pull towards easy pleasures. Like lets have chai at starbucks. If I go to starbucks it isn’t really that good, all it does is acutally stop nagging. And then also once it reaches their it says something else. I am not even tasting the Chai.

Process are these impulses that come from the mind, More specfically these impulse to check email, my own videos. going to starbucks, sexual pleasures, food, waking up late.

All of these gives instant pleasure. And creates headaches in long term. I know they are not good for me, but it seems they have their pull. and they keep pulling in wrong direction. They are addictive and empty.

A good approach is that let’s just assign a time period 12-1 and 4:30-5:00. where I can act impulsively within the boundaries. And also lets keep the starbucks and cafe on.

Ultimately I need to find the joy in the...

I was clear on what is most important and stayed within the circle.

Vipassana -
Morning evening practice solid. And once a week practice solid. Morning and night have a good start. This week focuses on establishing the practice.
And reinforce the joy of self.

Process -
In terms of process, The practice of mindful review was there. It was well done. In this week, I will focus on establishing it. Creating a video in the morning was also well done. Just focus on establishing that as well.

There was a beautiful process that came out, The process of inquiry in the morning that is the most useful process where I inquire into my behavior and improve it. Ask questions like how can I bring value and come up with an answer like ML yoga teacher. This is clearly the most useful thing and one day I want every minute of my time to be consumed by it.

There are couple of things that came up...

I so deeply cared about meditation and wanted to do another 45 days after some time. But I was facing the challenge that finances and career were going down to hole. And I know if I do not take care of it, sooner or later it will hit me and I will have to do the job that I do not like and will have to stop doing something I care the most about. I can work very hard but I need this time off.

Then an idea came to my mind, I can build my own product. I can put my heart and soul and I can also do my meditation practices. But I don’t know how to do it. Ya Ya there are many sites that says that’s how and charge fair amount but you know in the end….

I Know udacity degrees are very good in teaching a specific skillset. And then I saw product manager degree and get the chance to try it with 7 days trial, and pay 25% now this was more like god’s intervention….

Now I feel confident that I can...

One road goes in this direction, You keep getting better in technology and work as a computer programmer, This will allow me to live a comfortable life, have decent freedom. and have financial freedom in 5-8 years. You can tune out all the distractions and only focus here. Then earn and reinvest the money.

I am good at this, Although It is not my forte, I am decently good at it, and as I continue, A firm choice will allow me to channel my energy properly.

One I am decently good at it, and then there is no other valid option here. Now within this see how can you make sense. If there is any other option that it has to grow from the side.

And then there is this lack of need which makes it feel like I wanna do something else. It does not matter how I feel I can still do it.

Whatever Job I do, I wanna have 100% engagement in that work, It is not the work that matters but this full engagement that matters.

I wanna reach the place where there is no difference in any work, It is all just a way of giving and expressing.

I wanna know what are my gifts and what I am really good at and what makes my heart sing. And do that. And get better and do that. And solve a meaningful problem.

I am looking for a remote job for 4-6 months which pays 3lakh/month as a Full Stack Javascript Developer. So that I continue my career and will be ripened for better opportunities later which includes Toptal, and Job in a developed country. And I can take the work as a Lead, and Director.

In a second way, I am cultivating my skillset as a problem solver. Using meditation and product manager Nanodegree.

Thirdly I am continuing my education with Udacity.

And building the metaCareer principles.

Now the challenge is right now I am not getting the Job of such kind. Second I am not making meaningful progress in the career this way.

I can continue and maybe within a month or so, Be patient here. It may take a while. This is where the trade offs are. You choose what is more important and than respect that choice.

There are only two choices, work as a fullstack engineer and grow or start...

When information passes in front of me and it creates an emotional reaction because of the past conditioning, there is almost automatic attachment and aversion and desire. The influence the process with a new data point and creates the conflict with the old ways.

Everyone tries to condition it, trining to elicit a stronger reaction by bombarding info, limited offer, fearful headlines, using lust. and it influences the process and creates the desire and I follow them, getting nothing.

Furthermore seeing what others are doing again creates more an emotional reaction and the process starts to create more of such desire to have the babies.

When there is conflict in the information, or something require thinking and effort, or bodily discomfort that unease creates the easy way out eating, sex, sleeping, and if acted on it, it leads to judgment and then even more easy desire like watching...