2 The addiction of attention

There are many thoughts coming and going. Is it different than other. It feels good. It feels good to be admired by other, it feels good to have others attention, it feels so good that I stolen, cheated and lied for it.

The need is not new, it is from very beginning. I stole money and buy myself some trophy when I was little, so I could be admired from my parents, a guy stole my pen for the same reason. I cheated in exams, answer the same question twice I didn’t care about numbers. I wanted be admired by my peers and teacher. That attention had a lot of value to me. And that attention wasn’t free. I had to earn it.

What were the kind of attention I was given, impress : the other person is impressed by me. that one felt really good. Oh that one was my favourite, I was ready to pay any price for that. It felt so good.

Not just I wanted that admiration...

I kind of understand the need of ego.

There are 2 reason for social interaction, either you want to receive love, disguised in the form of admiration, acceptance of whatever. What is the nature of this love.

Or you want to get away from this, mental chaos. You know like I watch a `tv show to either enjoy it, or to keep my mind busy somewhere.

Go back to repository of your memory, see the nature of interaction and inaction. What you gave and what you receive and what you like and what you didn’t like.

Than regress back and see the nature of relationship and friendship.

And than regress back and see the nature of romantic relationship.

I couldn’t really control the thoughts here. It was like I open a volve. Which stream through all the thoughts. I can than start a school. Oh I will start a hotel….. The baseline is Once I reach the point till I know I should. Other thoughts will start to come.

And I don’t feel the need to be able to see through the end. I know I will figure out the stuff along the way. So the main thought was to start something like metainsight and build it step by step.

If I talk from the internal frame. It matters to me a lot. I am totally into this idea. And ofcourse this is what I am going to do after it. How I can think clearly later.

So I went back to my childhood, most of the memory seems to be happy. I grew up in the quite not so civilised place, one memory that made me giggle was that boat on the mud water, that was play. the curosity. I put the boat in water, my hopes, and whatnot was there, I also fly some airplain. I wasn’t doing it for anything. Just plain doing it. Standing near null. Talking, preparing for game. Me and Ashish, we have become bad. Me and Ankit playing that indoor game of Fuddi, me and TV playing mario, I am asking Subhash about how much you are eating. Me flying kites, Me playing Kancha, me playing bornha. Me stealing money and buying trophy, me deciding to top because we got fined in train. Me trying after trying and Raja babu class. Me curious of those cards. Me returning everything. Me crying over fight between my family member, deceding to right down every meal I am having here. Me...

It puts break on your life, but what is descisiveness and how does one become descisive, what are the element of it.

I was quite descisive when I was doing GitHub thingy, because I understood the problem. I knew that was the cause, I have complete trust/faith in it. I had a plan to get there. But why I trusted that. Because it was coming from the person who felt the way I felt, and telling me this is how I get there. Because it makes sense to a part of me.

Why I believed in theory given by Tushita, Why it made sense. How I knew what they were telling me is right. It had an element of feeling. Did I believe in it, meditation was where I knew.

Is it because I believe in everything first and than disbelieve it, and they fa

I am painting the dream of a second attention. I am trying to understand myself on one to one basis and see what are my needs and desires. I had this sort of understanding that I kind of already know and walking a sort of path. I knew doing another month of job is not possible. doing freelancing, reading these books on social daynamics. meditation, github profile. so I would know when to move from here.

what I am doing right now. practically, I am restarting. understanding this field of nature. reading books, writing blogs, and thought of helping other along the way.

I am figuring out my needs and wants.

how can I accelerate it ? remove everything else away. test your theory, this is the self enquiry. this is the art in the beginning. these are the first few strokes, these are the stepping stone. this has begin. a masterpeice of art. and I am learning to draw strokes.

to be honest...

I am in the process of learning more about myself. Read more book, meditate more, experiment more, taste life more. Also I am feeling like life is pulling me in certain ways. The central piece of the puzzle, the work. Can I somehow bring value to other people life while going through this process without selling my soul for it, building my ego and genuinely being helpful for other people. I don’t want to devour myself for people. I am not there yet. But I will love to help other people while creating a good life for myself.

What is the value I can bring in other people life ?
Clarity, inspiration, hope, authenticity, help them to get through the obstacles I have passed. Not every obstacle but the ones I have passed. I explore more as compare to other and I will do that more. Just sharing that has a lot of value. Even sharing your story is somewhat inspiring. telling people it is...

meditation retreat and acting class what was the difference, in one instance I had a desire, a desire to understand, desire for making sense of what am I doing. On the other case I had hazy desire, the stronger one to desantize my expression anxiety In a social setting. The other one to put the light on something I don’t know.

The first desire was strong, one thing is, it was actually solving and giving me answer for what I was looking for. there is a desire to know how to live. I stayed 10 days, than a week, than another week, 2 months passed. I can’t get enough of it. On the other case Only thing that is holding up was “ it is a month long” I wasn’t really into it. I didn’t really care, although in a first case I cared a lot.

So there are desires a cared a lot, and there are ones I couldn’t care less. What is the difference and what are these desires anyway. From where these desires...

Life is not a static affair. Whatever is my understanding at the moment will change and mature. So how could you craft the life, which accommodate this element of exploration and what are the other elements that I know are essential (not assume) and how can integrate them in a coherent manner without blocking myself.

Internal frame – if you don’t have your frame and you are listening the voices you have lost the very essence of the life. Listening and considering others opinion and suggestion is different thing. but considering others frame as truth, because you are uncertain is road to internal conflict.

The curious attitude – an attitude of learning and understanding must be installed. Why is he saying that, why am I doing that. How that thing is holding up. What are the underlying principles internally and externally. Once you get the momentum what else could be more interesting.

...

The worst possible thing is what I am doing from last 2 days. I wake up with no clue on what to do. And a day passed. And I couldn’t really make it count. Undecisive. My mind don’t know what to do. And I am taking a weird step to really solve it, I wanna understand everything first. It is overwhelming.

There is a better approach, I can start living a good life today, make this transition now. Don’t solve past, don’t prepare too much for future. Watch today. Understand your need and desire. Understand what is missing. Understand how can you make it better, and make that change. Add things slowly and wisely. With calm composed and focused mind.

Let’s do it. Begin.