When I started relationship with Lin, I was in the space where I was looking for rather a breakthrough. I had spent more than a year or even more understanding relationship, getting out of the space where I was complete clueless about relationship, I guess being bad will be rather better word.

I saw her in Yoga class in the corner on her mat. a clean women. I genuine smile came when I saw her, I was meeting Preksha and hoping that will hit it off. Preksha was way out of my type.

That day down to the elevator, I talked to Lin, and then invite her for the breakfast. we went to the breakfast many times, and then she once brought me the dates, and then we went to the onista, There was conversation happening in a1000Yoga. then one day she wrote me a latter and then we went to the millet cafe, to an ice cream place and then I hugged her tight, and kissed her in swami residency.

Then she...

Attraction - There are desires like desire for women, in the presence of the object of desire there is attraction, Mind automatically starts to work in order to see how can It realise the object of desire. If I do not act there is judgment. If I do act and failed there is judgement. If I don’t there is nagging.

Confusion and indecision - When there are two conflicting thoughts mind gets the mode of indecision, It takes energy to resolve these conflicts and the process is not fun, there is a tendency of mind of deflect and do something else. The indecision also breeds low self esteem.

Peace - When there is nothing in the mind, this state is pleasent.

I am currently unclear about many things, about spiritual pursuit, mind, relationship, work, health…. There are no clear priorities, and many conflicting thoughts. They are producing desires of both sides.

The reason why I am doing this, is because it is easy to get paralysed. energy and efforts are being wasted. and there is a sense of being lost. Also sorting out these priorities and concept in mind is not a first order pleasent experience.

In these 10 days I need to take decision on every front, simplify all kind of noise in my head, and come to the point where I have strong clarity for next one year at the very least.

With Lin mind is oscillating in both sides. In a moment, it says “lets marry her ” in another moment “I should exit relationship with her”. I have some degree of attachment to her. Before mind says these things there is always a reason against which the case is made.

I have already written many times good and bad qualities of Lin. There are issue with her health, she might have some pyshco-somatic disease, she acts wired sometime… on the other hand she is independent, homely, cooks, take care of home, I like being around her. and she doesn’t bother. We know each other from more than 2 years. Other people I met so far, in general are not even in radar. and relationship takes time to build. Sex, and meditation.

The relaionship with Lin has dragged to long, a part of me also feels I am just being weak here. On the other hand I am experienced.

I need to define what is relationship.

One aspect of work is finance, survival, comfort. More money you have the better quality of life you can live. Financially How much money I need? Should I buy a house? a car? a vacation house? Life and health insurance? Retirement Fund? What are the essentials? What I can do if I have a million-dollar? what I can do If I have a 100 million dollar? What if I have a billion-dollar? How can I make a million dollar? clearly my mind is occupied by saving pennies and spending less.

Very close to money there is a concept of power, and freedom. If you belong to the lower band the lifestyle and struggles will be different as compare to if you belong to a higher class.

There are certain laws, demand and supply, bringing value, competition, maturity of skill that dictates the result. There are always opportunities which can be taken advantage of as the world is constantly changing.

As a skill I...

There is an experience of mind being quiet. and that state there is nothing. There is also an observer where the movement of mental content can be seen. This part is detached. there is also focused attention.

There is atleast clear understanding that body and voice and emotion all these things are constantly moving, even ego and they are very much affecting each other and identification is there I am not that. There is a will which can change habits and change the conditioning of the mind.

Who is the experiencer?

Now the scripture says that There is only one, unchanging, chitswaroop, substratum,

One of the clear indication is when the brain literally starts to hurt. The body is the instrument that actually executes, and it has an effect over the mind. Even though there is effect mind is still a completely separate entity. The mind can demand a lot from the body, a lot. and the body is also capable of doing a lot.

With the practice of vipassana, the nature of the body is getting clear, in a way, body is not mine.

What effect vipassana is having in terms of I and mind on this level?

One the anna panna can put you back in the present moment, there is clearly increased awareness of cause and effect.

There is a purification, in terms of I am not so much lusting anymore, the hatred is dissolving, and ofcoure I am calm and more ready for the challenges that are inevitably presented by the mind.

If my current actions are originated by past experience. knowledge or what I am seeing, then how can I take appropriate actions with all these forces working?

When I am in the moment, generally speaking, the conversation is great. general experiences are great. But then there are tendencies of mind like ease, sense pleasure, competing, impressing others, etc. When to just be and when to control?

Should one create a dream? Or should one surrender to life?

There are two modes one is external and one is internal. Where should I put how much effort?

One of the craziest things about the mind is conflicting beliefs and desires. How can I sort them out?

Even if I sort everything out, the mind will still be active ( most likely ) Then what benefit of sorting everything out?

Is there a way in which mind can still be active but instead of confused, weak, and destructive, It can become...

There is an entity within that speaks all the time and that entity is where all the desire, fear, confusions are, that entity can be silent and can be speaking. It can be positive and it can negative. It can be aligned or it can be resistive.

The voice is unpredictable in the sense you don’t know how it will react later. Then there is an action-reaction mechanics. Every reaction becomes subject to a new reaction. This becomes the cause of actions unless I have a predefined set of actions.

There is a lot I know about this I. It is associative in nature, very rapid jumping in the past. sets of desire basically become voice. The knowledge influence the voice. and the effect of surrounding, the default.

This is a machine and under a strange influence action and reaction happens.