I, the identification with I is falling behind, the I that is creating the chaos in a way is coming to resolution. This resolution required effort is coming together fast. This is the place where I will be working. Primarily.

Relationship, I will see what it can do the possiblities and how to run a beautiful relationship and if we are good fit. I will do my best to come to the closure in this area.

Work, the focus will be on getting better in programming and finances.

Health the Yoga and panchakarma.

There is this predictable, pattern of the mind. the thing that happened yesterday mind with an I just try to keep them changing so it can get it to its preferential state. An incident push it from one form to another and so on and so forth. and different fear like a stream it keeps going on.

One kind of action yield to another kind of mind which yield to another kind of action so on and so forth. I can continue moving forward if I let go of the fruits I can keep taking one action after another.

Oh the incedent of the bike return, the bike stoped in between the guy came and too. I asked them for money, they made a fudge about sitting down, then he said he is coming, then those guy try to talk soft and then I asked and he said her wife is in hospital, it is kind of strong trap, then I asked and he said it again 5 min, 10 mins. and put me on the call, and then the wife and money on debt they were playing the game of lying behind clear false I felt uncomfortable, and being taken advantage of and I had to pay 4.5K to call this deal of. later in vipassana I felt the urge to strongly giving them negative feedback.

I was talking to akshay and I know sadguru is very important to him, and I spoke against him very casually that closed him off.

In a walk Lin mentioned she doesn’t like my too structured routiene about sex.

There was this incedent that I took my bike to that bike shop, and I felt tired and shaky he asked me how much was the price and I said 35.5. He said too much and my mind felt the sensation of ashamed, like chuitya kat gaya. It got me in the state of his approval. than he showed me that kick thing which I was having hard time and then standing up the bike. I felt ashamed, and another guy was looking at me. he asked 100rs. later which I paid. feeling like this guy taking advantage.

I called the bike guy and shouted, my body was shaky, he shouted and I shouted more, and it got resolved later. I was telling how dissatisfied I was with their service.

In the morning bike was not working, I didn’t feel angry but again it was a case where another person deliver poor service and I overpaid.

I saw a guy sitting and taking advantage and then waiter had hard time to confront and he said I am...

Relationship can not be something that you are into and still it is something that is not important. If you are in one you need to keep it on high priority, in the sense that it is not completely neglected.

there is a desire for attractive body and apparel. I feel attraction towards it, this is not in the main point and I would rather let it go. this is the one which distort the view.

Relationship is not the only thing, there are these romantic couples, who’s centre is relationship. For me this is not going to be true. I am going to live more of purpose oriented and ambition driven life.

On the larger scale the value should match. Can not be someone who is drinking, smoking and havily materialistic. The direction should match spiritually. The ideas of what marriage is, what relationship is.

A kind of basic goodness intact, The basic nature is you give and you take, it s not like you just take. you share, you feel happy when someone succeed. you feel joyful in making other happy.

A kind of open mindedness, growth mindset. the willingness to change and be better.

A healthy self esteem...

What if I marry her. Every decision involve some degree of risk. what if It works out. What if we live happily. living together. supporting each other.
She can cook and take care of home, I can be her wall. and what if it didn’t work out and we get divorced. what if I spent my whole life wondering.

I don’t know how relationship folds out in future.

There will always be both sides of it. some good and some bad and paralysing and not taking an action is the worse decision.

The challenge is there are many conflicting ideas and desire and as soon as I try to take an action they bubble up. and until I resolve these desires. and Interestingly I have reach the place where I can do this.

When I truly have no need of relationship at that time only I truly qualify for the relationship.

I need to default to resolution. Not indecision.

The challenge is for me is on the level of mind the conflicting ideas and the voice that comes up with that, now that can not be the excuse as that would be paralysing and if I don’t take decision it won’t be resolved by itself. Ideally I should take this decision when the mind is unified or I know enough of it.

Living alone in a cave is not the life I want or will be taking for the enlightenment. Although relationship can be counter productive to reach the state self mastery.

The another thing is wasting time and energy to stay in this delima.

My general intuation at this point is go all in and build a beautiful relationship with her. my fear is that it can become a hinderance in the personal growth and maybe I missout on something better. Or maybe it might not work. The default will leave me in position of being single and in a tight spot which is to be honest not a good spot to be...

Lin has some great qualities and some not so great. there are conflicts. and based on these both kind of minds are being generated. paralysis is not an option.

First of all with Lin there is a strong resonance, we have been with each other for almost 2 years now, I know her till some degree, she knows me, we have been to different phases of relationship. and we survived in a way.

If I leave all things aside, fundamentally she is a good person and considerate of others and have no ego. similar social, economic background.

On a good side she is independent, no ego, considerate, simple, agreeable, have somewhat similar interest and personality. She gets happy for the right reasons. easily satisfied.

On the other side she is careless, has health issue, been to an abortion and keeps thing inside instead of discussing it.

Now other than her, I met many women I would never even think...