I just had a conversation with my parents, it somehow started while we were sitting in that garden, Both of my parents were trying really hard to convience me, the reason my mom was giving me was what all the other people will think, and what will happen later, who will do seva for us,

The reason my father was giving me was It is my duty to do, and we will take care of her, you don’t need to pay, I am getting old, and will die with ease.

There was sense of desperation.

I stayed slient that encourged them to speak more, then I gave reasons like abdul kalam is not married, bill gates is not normal, and then the fight is on the arguments, I also told I am helping others not you are.

Because of the social pressure of parents I didn’t slept well yesterday and today I was feeling sleepy and then I slept.

There was an opportunity to sell vipassana to my father.

There was a senes and understanding there is a voice who says all these things but who is the one who is acting, I can see the voice, but then who is acting under the completion of the voice, it seems as if voice says and then and the voice acts.

I am letting all the things fade out and do what really matters, the 3+2 goals. In the spirit of that I stopped going out with the sashi and sachin today.

One is I am getting this voice of negging, Do I really need to solve the problem. What is the level of priority and effort required to solve it.

The voice is coming from the fear and intent. It is coming from the fear of judgement. And the past samskaras when people laugh at me when I misspelled the word or the , was off or when I see I am the 2% in grammer.

The intent needs to worked out, And it is an opportunity to work with my aversions.

The written communication should be strong. This is again is the meta skill.

What needs to lean here. I can express but the spelling, grammer and punctuations are off.

My current three priorities are self, mind and working in the most fertile place, It doesn’t belongs to the last one.

Just for the 10 mins. in the evening, write some passage from the book, for this week.

Second you can find a mentor who can review and teach you the english.

The mental voice is nagagging about grammer where I see someone writing english, it says if I had to write the same thing how will I write it.

A part of the mind is saying I should not go out with sashi and sachin for food, rather eat alone.

In the evening while shantu was talking The voice in my head was pretending to be self important and not listening.

Shantu also did a fantastic job to satisfy the need of mountblue and grow in a organisation.

Then when things are getting derailed snapping back with what matters centered me.

I will do 5mins of vipassana before sleep.

The voice can not act. It can only speak and body can only have sensations.

The voice of me becomes pleased when I saw venkat giving me space, same voice justify when I am overusing the space.

Me easily get influenced by other people. Shantu is walking by and me got affected by this.

The most important aspect is attention in order to solve a challenge or learn a skill. The biggest challenge is that the voice distracts the attention.

So when you solve a problem, your complete attention should be there. The only thing that is blocking your attention is the voice and discomfort that arises when you are not being able to break the problem.

The voice if I watch and practice it will go away and also it is the matter of time it will desolve anyway with the practice of vipassana, When the voice related to rat race comes, that means someone is doing better than you, this is the time to learn, repeat my job is not to compete in a rat race but to learn and grow and help other to do the same, maybe it was programmed in school.

Now on the problem solving, first look at the output, and then break it down and then solve it, and then implement it, if problem is complex then it...

Whatever Task I was doing, making google sheets etc, I did enthusiastically.

Then I was watching videos and I found that watching sequentially wasn’t that helpful. It has its merits though but I can be more efficient if I come up with better strategy,

On problem solving I hit goldmine, I was solving a problem that I had solved before. And I was jumping and looping in the same place, I tried some way and then tried another way, scrape it restart. Then I took a place, write down some example, come up with a pattern and implemented, found some typo in that, corrected and finished it.

Some of the student seems to be solving it faster than me, and some stundents had better solution.

my me start to self judge itself, and judge others, mostly rotating around it is ok to have less aptitude and I don’t have less, how they will trip, etc.

With sashi I talked about students and what they...

The truth is I am not comfortable talking about it with parents. I would rather tell them when I am sure.

I am not comfortable because it will scare them and then invite a lot of questions.

I am not comfortable speaking lies as the foundation of the relationships I am buidling should not be the lies.

I know in my heart I didn’t do anything.

so there is only three options, I tell the truth when they ask, before there was a chiness girl and we were good friends and we live together. It will give them the opportunity to handle it, and me the opportunity to handle the conflict, do not underestimate other people. At this point they will have option to break the relationship or they will have to digest it. Life will throw much bigger challenge to digest.

I can also say I am not comfortable discussing it.

Or I can lie that it was a freind. it just feels wrong to lie espeically when I am...

In the morning I went to the cafe for the poha and when you go to others you have least control even if you are paying.

Today felt somewhat loose, what I am doing is very clear. There was some battle of wether I should leave early today or stay. I end up wasting a lot of precious time today.

I watch some videos but they are not very useful in terms of knowledge.

The primary goal is to realize who am I, the means of that are vipassana, and study.

The secondary goal is to work with structure of truth and day to day reality, and come up with principles that simply them.

The third goal is to master your domain, when I come out of this batch I should be solid full stack engineer and capable to get the job in London.

The fourth goal is to take good care of my body so I can continue the pursuits.

The fifth goal is to live with all the relationship I am in with peace even help them to grow.