There is a difference in me, from what I was and what I am now, The path is long and it is called life, filled with experiences of all kind.

I discovered meditation around 5 years ago, It is deepening day after another. I continued and it is bearing fruits, the fruits of depth of awareness and clarity. a consistent growth and removal of defilements. Those years I was constantly feeding myself the good diet of porn, oh the weird porn, movies.

That was a seed that taking off from the work, and moving forward with life, there was a seed that reading the first book, the business of beliefs, I read 100’s of book, wrote down maybe 20-30. the seed that has grown in to the tree.

The meditation practice from 20mins, to 2 hours. The degree of self awareness. All the books on sprituality, all the knowledge.

Remember going out with akshada, remember that fire tatoo girl, being clueless, to...

What I did is right. So there is no self judgement is there. Now the challenge is discomfort of speaking falsi.

Now there is one challenge that is speaking falsi feels wrong. I prefer to speak as much truth as possible.

People in relationship with me has expectation and maturity level. If I speak the truth there expectations from me will adjust, It will put severe stress on them. That will agitated them.

Should I tell them the truth and let them experience the agony and possibly add the questions related to why this and why that. or should I tell the falsi.

It would be good for relationship if they understand what kind of person I am. and except me, If they are not ready start with exposing gradually.

Today while the standup was happening I sit silently and participated with what I have. There was moment that himanshu was saying oh we have 2 good ones,

There was an element of unssurity while people were asking me for football,

There was the way this adhoc problem solving that is happening.

First condition is what I am saying wether it is harming someone or me.

If I tell the truth of lin to the parents it will break their strucutre of reality, If I don’t tell them they will keep building hope.

Did I do something wrong engaging with Lin? No. The relationship is one of the most important aspect of life to be experienced, one of the biggest roadblock. The way I engage with her, there is nothing wrong. Infect it is an essential experience of the life. I end up hurting her structure of belief.

Telling the lie is easy way out, and avoidance of conflicts. A relationship has to have the conflict. Not telling the truth in a way yielding to other peoples structure of beliefs.

If I know what I am doing is right, and I am willing to face the conflicts and potential loss of the relationship or opportunity telling the truth shouldn’t be a problem.

There is another challenge this...

I was looking for the react tutorial and then I saw a tutorial from seemigly much younger kid and then me became agitated and start competing soon I let go.

My parents seems to have ambitious expectations from their trip here.

I made a joke in the standup and than I kind of repeated it.

There is no I, there is a focused attention and learning and maybe other aspects.

I think I overcommited the selection process, They decided it should take 2 week, I insisted it should take one week and it is by friday. Doing something good is causing me stress and lack of the quality decision.

You don’t get to decide who will call when, but replying people are not high priority task. Do it all at 5-5:30.

In the standup I spoke because of not to have the point but to keep the stance.

In the standup there was a sensation of fear. There is shantu confronting unintentionally. my reaction was of annoyed. Confronting for something that I wasn’t agree with, and there was no willingness to participate. You should be extremely aware and that you are speaking truth.

When being confronted for something that you haven’t agreed to ask the question when did we decided?

In all the standups are listening and articulating exercise.

You don’t need to speak unncessarily just to comfort, you speak and people start fighting.

I applied to the vipassana. and mistakenly end up applying to the chennai center. my mind went kaboom.

The first thing is don’t act based on kaboom state, and let it quiet down, shouldn’t take a lot of time.

Then there is another thing is it is the wish of the god, or is it slip of the finger. or is it the fear of reapplying.

In this case, the main thing is if the env. is most conducive to long meditation. I have done in harayana and I know the env. is quiet decent. I haven’t done in chennai, so I don’t know. the best option here is clearly harayana.

In this case second option is also not bad, it is just I don’t know about the place, and what to expect.

The most important question in this scenario is can I work effectively

Yesterday me applied for the vipassana, and in the vipassana there were some fields that says am I married or not in relationship. There is no option of exploring the relationship.

In meditation session it was clear that me became unstable. Me also became very unstable when my preferences didn’t match yesterday. The first thing based on the best of your capability learn to watch it.

Me becomes agitated when it’s preferences are not being met or the model of reality shakes up. There will be much more opportunities to see this agitation with more clarity, take advantage of that.

About speaking truth and samma vacha.
There is no doubt speaking the truth is the best policy. If you can, you should only speak the truth.

When ever you speak the lie then you need to answer why?

Why did I speak the lie that I wasn’t in a relationship when I was. because if I tell that, it means the...

When I have a preference and that preference is not being matched, mind makes some drama. Just now I have mistakenly booked the wrong 30 days vipassana centre and mind became very agitated to solve that mistake, giving reason and suggestions. The ego became unstable in the sense of challenging everything.

There were two social scenarios, shantu thrashing his ideas, not listening to anyone and not having any solid stance, just making loud noise, On the other hand me, sachin, kavita, himanshu being too nice to each other,

In the vipassana form it was clearly written that tell us about relationship, I said no, while the answer is yes. Not out of fear or greed but if I say it, it is clear no. In true sense of practice I didn’t break the sila, Yes it harmed and hurt her, This has to be clear.